Sprung
Spring has sprung. The warm rains and bird songs have arrived, along with the constant anxiety about whether there is one last winter storm, monsoon, or other weather-related calamity in store before we can relax into the rapture of late spring. As we wait for the other shoe to drop, like all good neurotic parents, we might embark on a spring cleaning mission that involves yelling at our families out of nowhere about what a pigsty we live in, proclaiming that we are going to start a new mental health journey with the help of a revolutionary new $700 app, or renewing all of our workout gear and furiously throwing away any food product that does not come from the perimeter of the grocery store.
We also might take this moment to evaluate our parenting styles, and to pick a new one to embrace. There is a veritable catalog of parenting labels out there, which means you can be anything and anyone you want to be for your kids this spring. The fun part is that the different parenting styles come with their own fashion guidelines, affected speech patterns, ways of walking, and general demeanor. The other good news is that there is nothing intuitive about any of the styles because they are all what we like to call “learnable.”
A few ideas:
Goopdie
Goopdie, you are a gift. A goddess, an adonis, a prize, as are your worldly, classy, well-heeled children, who will never be fat, pimply or poor (blech). You wear sunglasses indoors, especially if you are forced to go inside ugly municipal buildings with bad lighting. You nourish your body by doing spiritually cleansing burpees and eating just enough calories to keep you breathing. Because you live to honor your body, not frighten it with carbohydrates and other solids, like some sort of hill person.
Be really rich, brah (BRRB)
If you’re a BRRB (pronounced like you are shivering with a hard ‘b’ at the end) then your value is your….effing value dude. Because “value” is a money word, brah - don’t be a reject! Your idol is Dustin Johnson because you get it that all this talk about morals and supporting violent dictatorial regimes and shit is silly because being rich for generations to come is what it’s all about. So get rich and fuck it, okay? Your kids will have the coolest clothes and likely develop a substance abuse problem but it’s cool because you can afford the fanciest spa rehab centers.
Sage
You are wise and you know better, and you gently hold your knowing-betterness over any random parent you may encounter, and you do it in calm tones and with a smile because not everyone went on that ayahuasca retreat with all those white people from Connecticut that made you all come back feeling sage and burning sage. You are quietly ironic and boundary-breaking and if anyone doesn’t like it, it’s because they are stupid…shhhh….stooooppiiiid. Youaregettingsleepy…
The Gnat
You hover over your children and control their every move. You never go away but aren’t always visible. Unlike the helicopter parent though, you do no long-term damage because you will continue to obsessively manage your child beyond childhood and throughout their adult life thereby ensuring they never make a mistake. You got this!
The Big Cat
Unlike a Tiger Mom, you didn’t have to pick just one species. You embody all the big cats meaning you can be ferocious with high expectations and strict boundaries but also elusive like an ocelot. Your children may think they are alone and at ease and then BOOM! you pounce. Some people may think this creates anxious children who fear making mistakes but you know it fosters spontaneity and a mastery of hide-and-seek.
The Snowman
You are so chill you are like Frosty. You know parenting is based on mutual respect, which is why you may have birthed your children but really they built you out of snow and gave you a carrot nose and charcoal balls instead of eyes because, hey, they are being creative, something you fully encourage! You have very few boundaries and melt away when your little rays of sunshine come barging into any activity you might be engaged in. Because interrupting is DISRUPTING, in that cool silicon valley way.
Whatever you might be celebrating this weekend, and whoever you might decide to become this season, we are here for it. Because outrageous is the new black and spring is the new thing in your step.