A recent reel from @alongcamemotherhood popped up on mother.ly’s Instagram feed earlier this week, featuring a young, White, millennial dad holding his baby, changing her diaper, and being a “hands-on dad.” The caption read, “Changing the narrative ❤️” with the words scrolling across the video, “Say what you want about millennials.
As a (gasp!) millennial dad, I sympathize with a great deal of this. Your criticism of the Instagram post is obviously spot on - it's an easy target to be fair, but the number of fathers I know who still use phrases like "help out at home/with the kids" is pretty eyebrow-raising.
On the other hand, I'm not sure what is the point of bringing up the fact that mothers apparently worry more about bad things happening to their kids. As a dad who worries a lot about bad things happening to my kids, I'm not really sure if the presence or absence of worrying is a sign of gender parenting inequality or if maybe there is something else at play here?
I'm all for deconstructing the higher mental load that mothers typically carry. In my house, we make a conscious effort to be on equal footing but if I'm honest I know that my partner thinks about a lot of stuff that I don't, or at least thinks to do it faster/sooner than I do. I'm working to be better at this. A lot of it is down to communication and organization, in which the most important ingredient is mutual trust and taking of responsibility.
This paragraph got me though:
"So this week, we’re waiting for a different kind of heroic dad reel on Instagram. It can feature a guy waking up in the middle of the night, staring at the ceiling in the dark and blinking. As a viewer, you won’t be able to tell, but this dad will be paralyzed by insomnia as he lays awake wondering if his kids eat too much sugar; if they know never to stand too close to the street; if the parental controls are up to date on the kids’ iPads; if the youngest child’s teacher really understands their learning style; if he raised his voice too much yesterday; if he should have started the kids in some sort of music lessons when they were younger; or if being the kind of parent who lays awake worrying is subliminally bad for the next generation."
Ummmm.... first of all it's a bit hurtful to the dads out there who do spend a lot of time lying awake and worrying about our kids... but for whom sugar consumption or parental controls might not be the first thing on our mind. In our house meanwhile, it's usually me who's worrying about whether the kids are too close to the street.
I'm just questioning the premise of whether more dads laying awake worrying about whether we enrolled our kids in enough extracurricular activities is actually the kind of equality we want to be striving for - or whether maybe all of us parents should be engaging a bit more critically with perceptions of what makes us good moms and dads. Maybe we should all be worrying less instead of shaming men for not worrying more?
Again, if we're talking about chores/household orga/kid logistics/all the other tiny mental aspects that go into running a household with children, you're preaching to the converted. In my house, we're probably at 35/65 there and I'm trying every day to get better. I try to engage critically with stuff that describes the experience of being a mom but as a dad I have to say I find posts like this a bit alienating... because in the end I feel I'm being condescended to simply for not measuring myself more against whatever moms think the societal ideal of a mom is.
We should be questioning that ideal rather than also trying to make men feel bad for not meeting it. Let's embrace the fact that we think differently and maybe try to focus more on supporting each other with the unique mindsets/qualities that moms and dads each bring to the table.
Matthew, thank you for this! You sound like an excellent father and just an all-around thoughtful partner and person. Our intention is not to hurt anyone’s feelings, and of course we know that dads also worry. We thought that the data from Pew about the gender divide in how much parents worry was interesting, though we also understand that data speaks to trends and not to individuals like you!
The idea was to give an example of something – like worrying– that is “unseeable” to illustrate that equal parenting is not just about the sharing of tasks and active responsibilities, but can also come down to the emotional load. Unfortunately, we know from our lived experiences that a lot of moms out there are taking on more of the emotional work than their partners, and it leaves them feeling unsupported, alone, and overburdened.
If we name this kind of stuff in our newsletter and then are told that we are “shaming” men by saying out loud what we notice, then again it leaves us feeling all of the above, and also unheard. We hope that helps clarify! 💜
As a (gasp!) millennial dad, I sympathize with a great deal of this. Your criticism of the Instagram post is obviously spot on - it's an easy target to be fair, but the number of fathers I know who still use phrases like "help out at home/with the kids" is pretty eyebrow-raising.
On the other hand, I'm not sure what is the point of bringing up the fact that mothers apparently worry more about bad things happening to their kids. As a dad who worries a lot about bad things happening to my kids, I'm not really sure if the presence or absence of worrying is a sign of gender parenting inequality or if maybe there is something else at play here?
I'm all for deconstructing the higher mental load that mothers typically carry. In my house, we make a conscious effort to be on equal footing but if I'm honest I know that my partner thinks about a lot of stuff that I don't, or at least thinks to do it faster/sooner than I do. I'm working to be better at this. A lot of it is down to communication and organization, in which the most important ingredient is mutual trust and taking of responsibility.
This paragraph got me though:
"So this week, we’re waiting for a different kind of heroic dad reel on Instagram. It can feature a guy waking up in the middle of the night, staring at the ceiling in the dark and blinking. As a viewer, you won’t be able to tell, but this dad will be paralyzed by insomnia as he lays awake wondering if his kids eat too much sugar; if they know never to stand too close to the street; if the parental controls are up to date on the kids’ iPads; if the youngest child’s teacher really understands their learning style; if he raised his voice too much yesterday; if he should have started the kids in some sort of music lessons when they were younger; or if being the kind of parent who lays awake worrying is subliminally bad for the next generation."
Ummmm.... first of all it's a bit hurtful to the dads out there who do spend a lot of time lying awake and worrying about our kids... but for whom sugar consumption or parental controls might not be the first thing on our mind. In our house meanwhile, it's usually me who's worrying about whether the kids are too close to the street.
I'm just questioning the premise of whether more dads laying awake worrying about whether we enrolled our kids in enough extracurricular activities is actually the kind of equality we want to be striving for - or whether maybe all of us parents should be engaging a bit more critically with perceptions of what makes us good moms and dads. Maybe we should all be worrying less instead of shaming men for not worrying more?
Again, if we're talking about chores/household orga/kid logistics/all the other tiny mental aspects that go into running a household with children, you're preaching to the converted. In my house, we're probably at 35/65 there and I'm trying every day to get better. I try to engage critically with stuff that describes the experience of being a mom but as a dad I have to say I find posts like this a bit alienating... because in the end I feel I'm being condescended to simply for not measuring myself more against whatever moms think the societal ideal of a mom is.
We should be questioning that ideal rather than also trying to make men feel bad for not meeting it. Let's embrace the fact that we think differently and maybe try to focus more on supporting each other with the unique mindsets/qualities that moms and dads each bring to the table.
Matthew, thank you for this! You sound like an excellent father and just an all-around thoughtful partner and person. Our intention is not to hurt anyone’s feelings, and of course we know that dads also worry. We thought that the data from Pew about the gender divide in how much parents worry was interesting, though we also understand that data speaks to trends and not to individuals like you!
The idea was to give an example of something – like worrying– that is “unseeable” to illustrate that equal parenting is not just about the sharing of tasks and active responsibilities, but can also come down to the emotional load. Unfortunately, we know from our lived experiences that a lot of moms out there are taking on more of the emotional work than their partners, and it leaves them feeling unsupported, alone, and overburdened.
If we name this kind of stuff in our newsletter and then are told that we are “shaming” men by saying out loud what we notice, then again it leaves us feeling all of the above, and also unheard. We hope that helps clarify! 💜